| the bain of my existence |
[17 Jan 2006|10:40pm] |
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music |
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The Black Keys - the lengths |
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deathcab for cutie reminds me of the jack johnson concert. my car has one cardboard window, no radio, and half a bumper. i met a cop this weekend named blewit, no joke. my dog limps like an old man. i have excuses for everything except the things i should be doing. kanye west is so restless. nothing to do on rainy nights except drink wine with my brother and pretend tomorrow is more than just a day away.
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[19 Dec 2005|03:39pm] |
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music |
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Sufjan Stevens - Chicago |
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Today was a day of realization. That I cannot grow in the direction I am heading. Things are not going to just "work out" for me. I thought that everything would just fall into place, that I could blow off an entire year of schoolwork, my parents, and anything else I couldn't/didn't want to deal with. But now as I face a week of procrastinated college essays, unstudied exams, and crumbling relationships I know I've fallen lower than I want to be. It's time to burn out or fade away. Blessed is the coming of the Day of Realization for from twilight's ashes, the day of satisfaction will rise.
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| spirit in the sky |
[27 Aug 2005|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Modest Mouse - Perfect Disguise |
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What to do when you hear news so strange it makes the brain reel. Pause, gawk, then stop to wonder. This kid that rode my bus when i was a freshman/sophomore OD'ed on pills a few days ago. I talked to him a few times, he took mostly Honors/AP classes, played the trumpet, and kept to himself. He's just one of those kids you could never imagine doing any drug. The enigmatic lure of dope...but thinking about it makes me sad, Not only for the kid on my bus and his family and friends; but for friends of mine who are stumbling down the same treacherous path and flirting with that line of existence on a daily basis.
On another note i've all but given up on this girl. I liked her for a while but i doubt she even knew, and now we hardly see each other as friends. I think in some ways i just annoy her and am a nuisance.
"Cuz you cocked your head to shoot me down, down
And I don't give a damn about you or this town no more
No cuz I know the score"
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[26 Jul 2005|11:18am] |
"If incidences of deja vecu can be taken as being real, our notions of causality may have to be revised in some ways. It does not seem to be difficult, though, for modern physicists to entertain notions of time loops, tachyons (particles that can travel backwards in time) and multiple universes. That our unconscious would then be able to avail itself of such anomalies and present us with precognitive knowledge via visions and dreams, is then not so farfetched as it might seem at first glance." -THREE TYPES OF DEJA VU
By Arthur Funkhouser, Ph.D., Bern, Switzerland
I can't stop thinking/replaying the events in my head. I'm no mystic but the coincidence is unreal and the feeling inexplicable.
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| buy the ticket, take the ride |
[25 Jul 2005|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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 shook |
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i can't explain this to anyone and i doubt anyone will understand, but i've been brooding on it last night and all today. so i'm going to try and write it out as best i can.
saturday night my brother, a couple girls, and i went for a drive out past bean road and into the country. we decided to go to this road that's supposedly creepy and haunted and whatnot (theres some story about how the house was used to hang slaves in). so the road narrows to one lane and winds back for miles, then out of nowhere it ends. no signs, no warning. it just ends into a forest, and off to the left is a old white house. As soon as i saw the house i had the strangest sense of deja-vu. i had seen that house before, it was like the phantom house from my dream. i didn't know exactly where i had seen the house, but i felt bad vibes, strong and discordant. like some horrible and painful memory was associated with it's presence. i told this to my brother and was a little shook, but it didn't phase me. i think i was more surprised at the clarity of this deja-vu/dream recollection than anything. so nothing else happened, we went home and everything was fine.
Sunday night, Dan Savaro and i are coming home from wakeboarding on the skyukill river. To get home you have to drive by the same section of roads we were at the night before. So of course i decide i have to show dan this crazy road. We start driving down the "haunted" road, and we're going pretty quickly. Further and further down the road, i assume i know where the end is, i was there just the night before. Then suddenly i can see the end and we're going too fast. I slammed on the brakes, down-shifted, and tried to steer us into an adjoining drive-way. There was no slowing down and we smashed DIRECTLY into a large tree. neither of us were wearing seat belts, but we weren't hurt. I was in shock right after, it was like i knew this was going to happen. Like the event was already wired into my being and the only thing i could do was hopelessly watch. I was DESTINED to do it, as if it were set into my dharma. the car was fucked up and smoking a little, the entire front was smashed in about half way up the hood. i backed it off the tree, picked up a few car parts, and tried to drive it home. i got three quarters of the way and it completely broke down. Cops from three counties, my parents, and a tow truck all came.
I say DIRECTLY because it couldn't have been anymore so. The tree we hit was the only one i could have hit. If i had skidded right instead of left we would have merely rolled up an embankment and sustained little to no damage. Had we gone left, we would have skidded into the driveway and been fine. Not only was the tree a direct hit, but it hit square in the middle of the car. it was symmetrical almost down to the dents. Neither of the airbags deployed.
So now i'm left with a few confounding questions. Would i have hit the tree, had i not had that deja-vu/dream recollection? Would i have even gone back to that road if not for the vision/dream? Was the Deja-vu a warning? If so, from who, or what? Was this event somehow locked into the very protoplasm and essence of my being?
The best visual i can put to the feelings i had would be the scene in Donnie Darko when Donnie is watching tv and sees the 'cosmic string' unfold from his chest and he can only follow it. It's like having your destiny unfold before you.
Was the the deja-vu a hole poked in the complex fabric of space-time where-from a future feeling was strong enough to transmit back? this is all just rambling and unfounded hypothesis but if only you could feel the way i did when i hit that tree. My brain screamed "I KNEEEEW IT! I KNEEEEW IT! YOU SUCKER! YOU TOOK THE BAIT!" Every cell in my body was wired in for that one moment.
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[08 Jul 2005|03:32pm] |
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i feel caught up in people's superficial notions of cool.
i feel my life is a drug and my will is contraindicated.
i feel antiquated.
i feel between scylla and charybdis
i feel barriers erected from shadows of doubt, retaining walls.
i feel like i'm losing the game.
i feel inarticulate around friends.
i feel my good will is misinterpreted and my offenses over-magnified.
i feel the love i want slip away.
i know it's too perfect for me.
it's too perfect to be.
Every time I get the inspiration
To go change things around
No one wants to help me look for places
Where new things might be found
Where can I turn when my fair weather friends cop out
What's it all about
I guess I just wasn't made for these times
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[05 Jun 2005|09:32pm] |
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mood |
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 sea of melancholy |
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music |
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modest mouse |
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i went online with the express purpose of talking to mary, rather asking her advice but alas she isn't here, which is weird 'cause i'm used to her practically living online. i just read her lj and it makes me worried. i know thats not what she wants to hear but maybe it'll be nice to know that people care and that she is loved.
My dad freaked out on my brother this weekend and for one of the first times i agree with him. I love my brother, he's my best friend, and a great guy but he needs to get his shit together. He isn't naturally a good student and doesn't want to go to college next year, but it's painful to watch my parents pay so much money for him to just give up on school. It's painful because there are people who have so much less and are doing so much more, it's a waste. I really hope he can find something he likes doing, and for once run with it.
I wish i could address every one of my friends in here, i feel like i've neglected some of you during the past year. if i could write anything i guess i would say i'm sorry and that you deserve better.
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| yuk yuk and yum yum |
[09 May 2005|08:40pm] |
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i feel like i have very little to write about these days. i am so engulfed in the college machine they call high school. "The addict regards his body impersonally as an instrument to absorb the medium in which he lives, evaluates his tissue with the cold hands of a horse trader."-N.L. The student regards his time impersonally as an instrument to propel himself into higher social pecking orders, evaluates his experience with the cold hands of a horse trader...and this is how i feel going to visit colleges, like a used car salesmen evaluating the rusted scrap parts he sells as an auto. i wish it were more of an endosymbiotic relationship. perhaps it is just the admissions process that feels this way.
i've been having such mixed feelings about my friends these days. some i think i'll die without(though i never admit it) but the next day i wish i'd never met them. thats how i feel about this one girl but it might be unfair of me to feel that way, i suppose i just feel discarded. the other girl has been unfair to me, though it's something thats come to be expected of her. arghhhh i don't know...people keep telling me i'm an asshole. so maybe i'm just getting the love i give. or dont' give, however it may be.
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[08 Apr 2005|09:47pm] |
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mood |
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frustoyned |
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music |
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tilly and the wall |
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goddamnit, i thought i was gonna be able to relax tonight and sleep in tomorrow. now at 10 o'clock, after i get home from my lax game (that we lost) my dad tells me i have to build docks at 8 am tomorrow for our boat club thing. it's not a snooty aristocratic yacht club or anything. between lacrosse, school, ap courses, working at meadowlands and helping my parents in my free time i feel like i have no time to relax. i havn't seen any of my friends, minus one or two, outside of school in about a month.
my love life is insane, the lion and the jackal are in cahoots.
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[04 Apr 2005|07:27pm] |
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mood |
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springified |
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music |
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breezy trees and his tribe side orchestra |
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i heard today that newsweek or some other mag/paper voted us as 'the most racist school in pennsylvania', as of the beginning of the year. the source was unreliable but validated by a few idiots standing around. i was astonished, i feel like wissahickon has such a diverse student body and i don't see many race conflicts. i see more stupidity related violence/conflict ("Stop looking at me asshole." "I'll look at you how i want douchebag." ::scuffle::). moreover i don't see any room for discrimination in our generation, we have too much love to give. if only we could make it free again...can anyone shed some light on this supposed article?
come and see a lacrosse game tomorrow night, upper dublin vs. wissahickon at Wissahickon. 7:00-ish. i'm number 15, and yes i'm whoring out lj for school sports.
there was such a quintessential yellow springtime sunset, no clouds, loud chirping, wind rushed cars through ears, and that pleasant smell that continues to elude the makers of fe-breeze.
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| on misty mountaintops... |
[25 Mar 2005|04:00pm] |
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mood |
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silent |
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music |
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the shins |
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this will be short, my brother is asleep and i've stolen his laptop. vermont has a lot of cheese, cows, maple syrup, and honey. although i'm not sure where they get their honey, i haven't seen any bees. maybe it's too cold. "gold teeth and a curse of this town, it's all in my mouth" .... brilliant. i found out like a day before i left that i'm allowed to have people over during my groundation. anyone for a board game tournament? want to see a movie? thats pretty much all i can offer. oh and lots of coffee/food. i havn't gone to see any colleges over break, it seems like EVERYONE else saw about twenty. ahhh he is waking. oh fie on 't. fie......
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[20 Mar 2005|06:41pm] |
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scrambled eggs are scrambled dregs dripping from atlas' shoe. jesus fade to black shrouded in that shade of blue. cough syrup pensacola, cocaine revved spain. sargent dare's sun people harvesting the cane. rain pitter-pat on the black cadillacs. line behind the limo, mom's crying in the back. wooded trees, footed boots, free guitars, and communist flutes. pirate eyed pajamas under pillows bury loot. slacker taxi ticket takers vomit horse-race stubs. jaws scrape the ground, broken teeth drag in the mud. arm the furry animals, supply the salty shrimp. burn the gay's rainbow flag, and beat the sordid gimp. whittle on the wood if you can't scrape the stone. lick between your teeth when you can't break bone. scorch the burning phoenix, snuff his eternal flame. torch his waxy feathers, erase his honored name. black magic fireworks light red propaganda. sharpened bamboo shoots, blow-darts fell the panda. duck-down submarines line the ocean floor. rock lobsters dance their jig upon the sunken moor. wall street fat cats clawing at the drapes. samson's lovely ladies have him choking on his grapes. downpours in the desert evict the rattlesnake. cactus in the sunset holds a thousand candles for his cake.
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[20 Mar 2005|12:44pm] |
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mood |
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moistenated |
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music |
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van morrison - caravan |
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god i love that new adidas commercial. if anyone knows what i'm talking about and knows who sings that song, please let me know.
I feel bad for my parents sometimes, because i know i must be the hardest person in the world to live with. I make little or no effort to connect to them, i just can't. i feel so detached by the arbitrary rules and quirks of courtesy they make. and anytime they try to interact, i want to drown myself because they say the most obvious things. example... i'm cooking eggs in the kitchen. dad "making breakfast huh?". no dad i'm engineering a bomb. goodness.
all this time together with them has been forced by my grounding for the next month or so. i can't say i don't deserve it, at least in their eyes. but i'm not sorry in the least, i'm only sorry that i had to get caught.
I can't believe how good my 'great-aunt' was at art. we inherited only a fraction of her work and it is amazing. now my job is to convince my parents to hang it. they want to put up the same stuff that was on our walls before.
i was gonna call you to hang out today but i thought you would either say no, or hold it against me. oh well, the day is still in its infancy...
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| back in the game.... |
[18 Mar 2005|06:57pm] |
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mood |
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melogomous |
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music |
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The World Famous Beat Junkies - Styles from Beyond |
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I had this wild dream last night:
My family had moved to california and it was just me and my parents. My brother was in college that was an equal distance from our new house as heis from ours now (40 min). Our new house in cali, was the same as it was in pa. before the renovations. So my parents were making breakfast and i was breaking up pot over the trashcan in the kitchen. The buds were too big, and i didn't want to get crumbs on the floor. Then i suddenly notice my parents so i close the lig of the trashcan and wait for them to leave the room. Then i have a while to wait for soundcrew for the play that night and i'm bored so i go outside and jump in the back of a pick-up truck while the guy isn't looking. He gets on the highway and the car is going too fast for me to jump out, but i realize he's going to the airport which is right next to my brothers college. So i jump out and walk the couple miles to his dorm which is on a pier. Instead of cars all the students have boats. So i'm talking to my brother and warren (his roomate) and they want me to stay for a party they're throwing that night. I tell them i'll be back but i have to go do sound for this play. So i'm asking them if they know anyone thats going back towards our house. But in my dream i can't remember the name of the new town where we moved, so i keep asking my brother and he keeps telling me. So this pretty blonde girl gets in her boat and shouts "jump in". She tells me she'll take me home cause she has nothing to do and my brother and warren come along as well. So we start going out of the bay-harbor and we are going along this inlet and it splits into two. The blonde asks me which way i want to go because they both go to the same place. "whichever is less rough" i reply. because i'm in the bow of the boat, which although it looked plush in the dock has turned into a 17ft boston whaler(one that i used to ride on with my uncle in the long island sound)that has no cushions, and the waves are getting rougher. so she goes left and pretty soon the scenery looks like some poor tropical canal that has half-dried up. and we are going slow because it is so shallow and through the blue-green water i can see rocks that we are dodging. then from behind comes a large wave, taller than a house but not thick or that powerful. but it flips our boat and we all drown in the warm shallow water.
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[12 Dec 2004|09:32pm] |
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alright so my computer finally got fixed, but my buddy list got deleted along with aol. so my new sn is thediamondseas. i know, real original. anyway i don't have anyone elses sn's anymore, so can you please just comment on this with yours.
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[16 Sep 2004|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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Blue Oyster Cult - Then came the last day's of may |
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updates.
I bought a bunch of new albums today, all of which are really sweet, my favorite is by this band Frijid Pink who i would highly recommend to anyone except mary. They sound like the mc5 on acid.
mary has a new exchange student/imported boyfriend who i would like to meet.
apologies to kate and ken for sleeping so damn much the other night, i was really tired.
ken and taz, you guys should figure things out cause all the drama is just getting in the way. you know you both like each other.
i've been doing better in school this year, maybe i can get things straightened out for good. my courses are difficult but manageable.
i've been hanging with dan and greg a fair amount recently. they're real good company and arn't loaded up with hidden intentions.
I bought a leather jacket today to replace that old brown one.
My first period teacher Mrs. Mclaughlin is attempting to use me as the scapegoat of the class because i've been late a few times. As long as she still takes me seriously when i'm serious, and lets me eat my breakfast i don't mind.
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[21 Jul 2004|08:47am] |
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mood |
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reflective |
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music |
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modest mouse - never ending math equation |
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back from the japans and it's depressing and exciting at the same time. i had so much fun and really enjoyed the country. Most of all though i enjoyed the people who came, they really made the trip. We had so much fun together and it's an experience i won't soon forget.
all the food here tastes bland now...
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[26 May 2004|09:59pm] |
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mood |
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 caffeinated |
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yesterday i was talking to someone and all the while i thought they were listening, then i stopped talking mid-sentence. No reaction, nothing, they were either not listening or so relieved to hear me stop talking that they didn't want to ruin the silence.
I punched my brother in his bruised rib today, and it was kinda satisfying to see him in pain from me. It sounds sadistic, but it was just some childhood revenge. Rooting for the underdog is always more exciting.
I saw this old guy today, hunched over and running on the side of the road. He was half jogging, half walking, wearing a shirt that on the back said "FUCK THE SYSTEM".
"drink up one more time, and i'll make you mine..."
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[26 Apr 2004|06:37pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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The Mc5 |
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I'd like to point out that my last post was just how i was feeling at that moment, and not all of my 'friends' were included. However, i found it really amusing that no one thought they were on the list, and were happy about this.
Anyway i'm making a mix cd, and guess what, it's not for you kate.
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[23 Apr 2004|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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beck |
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try and guess which one you are...
1. i don't think this one likes me nearly as much as they might say. they seem too caught up in other relationships and could hardly be bothered. might have sex with this one.
2. this one seems to have other motives on their minds these days then friendship, i think it's just a front, i could be wrong, but the timing seems too impeccable for a coincidence. not gonna have sex with this one.
3. maybe this one cares, but not nearly as much as their other relationships, they would trade a night of fireworks on the moon with me for a night with another friend in a old outhouse playing cats cradle. definitely not gonna have sex with this one.
4. this one has no idea what is a good thing and a bad thing to discuss with me, that or their trying to send me a message. if you're attempting to say something, maybe thats what you should do, just say it. would've had sex with this one, now not too sure.
5. no qualms about number 5, maybe to eat more meat but they have been nothing but fun lately. it's too bad they suck at bamboo fencing. already had sex with this one.
6. this one i havn't hung out with in a while, they are still companionable and i might see them tomorrow. wish they weren't such a hypocrite. not gonna have sex with this one.
7. now number 7 is one cool cat, but isn't someone i would necessarily be inclined to confide in. not that they would say something about it, i just don't know them well enough, nor do they condone some of my activities. not gonna have sex with this one.
8. this one knows what they want and their heading right for it. at least they are straight forward. i hope it doesn't fuck them over, but it might. not gonna have sex with this one.
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